Hello dear friend,
Last month I had lots to tell you. Lots of places been, lots of things seen. This month has been the very opposite (although as soon as I hit “publish” I’m sure I’ll start to remember all of the things like that). Because it seems that is how life is when dealing with head injuries / chronic illness. Tide washing out to reveal a sandy beach, savouring the calm and gathering energy, to rush back bringing newness in but always with that pause and compromise of energy.
Sometimes it frustrates me, other times I am glad to have become a tourist in my own body. There are days when I have finished sewing for a bit because the sun has gone down that I have sat still, in a largely quiet house and just observed the passing of time. Watched the blue sky that has presided over the day’s activities turn to a delicious lemon and sea swirl, to be tinted with a peachy glow, that then ushers in a ever darkening duvet of twilight. I sit and I watch the night fall like a statue sees the passing of time. Barely moving, captured in a moment that I feel my heart would be filled with sadness to miss. For all the bad points about the head injury, getting to witness macro events that somehow capture the entire meaning of the universe in them feels like a magic and a gift that almost makes it all worth while.
It’s coming up on three years since that Ill Fated Run In With The Wall. I’m still not quite done grieving the loss of my life and all the things I had and was meant to be, but the path that is opening out ahead of me seems too deliciously wondrous to be angry about the being lost any more. I feel like I might even be learning to make peace with it all. Some times. Others I still want to rage and scream about the life I lost and the missed opportunities I grieve (I still can’t bring myself to clear out my desk space). But in the stiller moments of acceptance, in the hinterlands between day and night or the blue sky I have time to savour on a lunch time walk, there is chaos starting to untangle itself and make sense.
I saw a movie a couple of days ago - one of the lead characters had a tattoo that read “amor fati” which it transpires means "love of fate" or "love of one's fate", by where everything is necessary and you learn to love and accept it for what it is, or something similar because whilst I understand the meaning my capability of explaining it seems to have taken flight (the full definition is here). It seemed like such a perfect concept to embrace and is added to the list of tattoos I will almost probably never get.
I unwittingly traded typography and print angst for finding myself creating a space of creative-self exploration. That started with some Taylor Swift “dolls” and has opened out to magical lands that are becoming increasingly rich, every day a little bit more created in my mind, like a world being populated. It always irked me that I didn’t feel like my job as a graphic designer was particularly vital (probably one of those untruths we tell ourselves instead of congratulating ourselves on what we’ve become but nonetheless), and now I feel like I genuinely have the opportunity to help change lives helping people find themselves through creativity. If that isn’t amor fati, I don’t know what is.
This letter feels a bit self absorbed in some ways but I didn’t rein it in because I hope that if you see yourself in my situation (not the right wording but makes sense enough) you can see that there will be a way through it. Stay strong. Find little things to light up your life. All moments pass and even the longest of tunnels have light at the end of them.
I’m off to watch the sun finish its daily departure rituals. That’ll be an hour later here this time next week and whilst I usually yearn for it, this year I’m almost not quite ready to bid farewell to the quiet of winter. But then I remember summer sun is warm and change my mind.
Which season feels like home to you? Drop me a note in the comments, the seasonal preference of people and their reasoning is always an interesting one.
V.V x
Still with me? I love writing letters, but even more I love getting them back. Drop me a message below or directly. It’s not quite a letter back, but I’d love it all the same.
If you know someone who would enjoy this post, please do pass it on.